Archive for 'Close Encounters'
End of Story
January 21, 2012 by Ronn Ives, under Close Encounters.
So, three women walk in. Grandmother, Mother, Daughter…
Nature or Nurture?
Grandma was a demanding bitch. Mom was a demanding bitch. And, going by the facial expressions of Girl, she was a bitch.
The Trinity.
Mom said “I was in before. You told me you’d give me a great deal on this mirror.”
(a: I don’t remember you, and b: I never say THAT.)
She also said “I don’t remember what price you told me, but it was good. Can you do better?”
(BETTER THAN GOOD??? DON’T ask me such LOADED questions, or I might just answer you…) Sigh…
(The price was $85. for a perfect, large, round, Art Deco wall mirror. I said $75.)
She again said “Can you do any better?”
“No.” I walked back to my desk, grumbling.
“Mother, he won’t budge on the price, do you want to get the mirror or not?”
(“Isn’t that JUST what I DID?!”)
She said “Can you get it out of the front window so we can see it better?”
“No. It’s perfectly visible from the right side of the stage or from outside through the front show windows.”
“Mother, you’ll have to look at it as we have been.”
(“Yeh, life’s really rough like that…”)
Meanwhile, Girl (c. age 20) is walking around and scowling like cooties will jump off me or god-knows-what-else, while clearly thinking one bitchy thing after another.
That’s when I begin catching Gramma walking around, blowing her nose into Kleenexes, and dropping them on my floor or sitting them on my antiques.
She asks “Do you take credit cards?”
“Yes, Visa or Master Card, but there will be a 5% fee added.”
“A FEE?”
“A fee. The fee I must pay.”
“I’ve never heard such a thing.”
“You may not have heard it, but you’ve been paying it all
along. I’m giving you the chance to avoid it.”
“Well! Do you TAKE CHECKS?”
“Yes, and there’s no fee.”
“Then I’ll pay by CHECK!”
“Fine.”
Mama steps in: “Can I give you my tax number to save on tax?”
“Yes, you can, if your license is for retail resale and I can record it for the files.”
“Okay…………..hmmm…where is it…. hmmm… oh well, never mind…”
(Yeh, right. I thought so.)
I said “The total, with tax, will be $78.75.”
Girl is wandering and snarking. Gramma says “Do you want I.D.?”
“No, I don’t need that.”
“Do you have a crate for the mirror?”
“Well, no… it’s about 75 years old. I don’t have the crate that would’ve properly held it…”
“Do you have blankets?”
“No (and even if I did, do YOU THINK I’d “loan” them to your bunch, and ever expect to see them again?”).
“Mom, we can just carry it out to the car.”
I said “Yes, you can. Do you have far to drive?”
“No, only a couple of blocks.”
I sigh…………………… My god…………
I couldn’t get them out of there fast enough, and I was SO fortunate to have friends walk in immediately after them. Why, THEY even helped me FIND all the snotty Kleenexes Gramma’d been tossing about!!
If my pals presence wasn’t enough, they were out Xmas shopping too.
I wrapped their purchases in adult diapers (dang I wish I’d thought to do that with Gramma), we chatted, shook our heads over “Close Encounters of the Butthead Kind”, and they went on home.
I felt much better.
Thank you Lisa. Thank you Ed.
None the less, after twenty years of Singles, Couples, and Trinities, I closed the brick-and-mortar store, and became exclusive to the web.
End of Story.
No Comments
The Wolves of Karma
January 14, 2012 by Ronn Ives, under Close Encounters.
Imagine if years ago you were really stupid and got yourself hooked on drugs. What TYPE of drug doesn’t matter. WHY you did it doesn’t matter at the moment, either. While you were being stupid with drugs, you were stupid with plenty of other things in your life – losing your driver’s license, your jobs, your family and friends… all the typical things we so take for granted they are almost a cliche. Almost. Cliches and stereotypes often have a basis in truth.
Many people contact me and visit FUTURES with the intention of selling what they have. It’s often for sad reasons – the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a divorce, etc. But if there was EVER a testament to the long term, awful effects of addiction, it’s the people I see trying to put their lives back TOGETHER – even after YEARS of being “clean”. The things they did when addicted return to them day after day and year after year – as debts to those they cheated or hurt. By that time, the debts have stacked up, been compiled and tallied, and any further NEW irresponsibilities cause further “domino” effects – ones that seem impossible to overcome.
I’m beginning to think that the most devastating effect of drug addiction ISN’T the difficulty in quitting or changing your living environment – it’s in handling the years of aftershocks… YEARS & YEARS of distrust and anger from those that knew you, repeated attempts by those people to “collect” on their debts, and of course the court records that follow you no matter how far you run.
Today, I again dealt with a man who faces his own actions – old actions, echoes of old actions – every single day. He’s currently selling all of his most loved possessions – emptying his home – to try and keep the Wolves of Karma away from his door.
The price is incredibly high.
No Comments
Self-delivering Take Out Meals
January 11, 2012 by Ronn Ives, under Close Encounters.
I love my In-Laws. I really do. My Bros and Sisses In-Law and their spouses, my Nieces and Nephews, my Step-Daughters and Sons In-Law, my four Grand-kids, all of ‘em, the whole bunch. Some live nearby and some live, well… further to the West… WAY further… where Time itself is closer to the setting sun… like Out West.
Let me remind you of yesterday’s entry about old “Twitchy the Squirrel, The Rodent with the Flat Nose”.
One of my Sis In-Laws wrote: “Thank God you don’t live in a tent. Without the glass between you and Twitchy, YOU and the vase would be goners!”
To which I responded: “OUT YOUR WAY, HE would be considered a “Self-delivering Take-Out Dinner!”
To which she responded: “We be cultured fok hir. That ain’t right whut you said!!”
I love my In-Laws. They be kinda deli-cut, but humor-like.
No Comments
Squirrels & Nuts with Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder
January 10, 2012 by Ronn Ives, under Close Encounters.
Without going into all the reasons why, there were a few rules in FUTURES I tried to enforce. Permanent signs were UP AND VISIBLE to reinforce the concept that being THERE wasn’t the same as being in one’s own living room, kitchen, or bathroom:
- NO food, drink, or smoke.
– NO unattended children, pets, or intoxicated adults.
– NO unattended crazy people allowed on the display stages at any time. Ask for help. Take your pills.
All other rules are too obvious to post (but you want examples anyhow, don’t you? Okay…
- NO unapproved customer nudity, no theft, no vandalism, no fires, no panhandling, no screaming at the sidewalk, no chopping at your bicycle with a machete, no attacking other customers, no soliciting of any kind, no Blah Blah Blah.
(And don’t think these things didn’t happen!)
The rules were minimal and reasonable – except to unreasonable people – and frankly, I didn’t want them in FUTURES anyhow. None the less, they showed up… completely ready to be THEMSELVES.
JERKS are usually one-time visits. Jerks did their thing, I dealt with them, and unless they returned in the dark with a brick, it was over. They moved on, forgetting they’d been there at all. You’ll think I’m bs’ing you but some jerks actually keep score over how many places throw them out. I was honored with 4 to 8 a year… which was 4 to 8 more than I wanted but it wasn’t an overwhelming number. Considering the 1,000′s of customers, it was manageable.
But there were The OTHERS… the rare, SOCIOPATHIC “Others”. Picture someone who dresses like most anyone you would see at any mall across America – conservative, subculturally uniformed, relatively clean, a recent hair trim, shoes that match, pants above their butts… whatever fits your image of normal.
TRUST ME HERE: THIS is how they steal through society. They take on the APPEARANCE of just-plain-normal folks.
You know how when a mass murderer is finally caught, the inevitable tee-vee interviewer comes along and shoves a microphone at the murderer’s next door neighbor who says: “Why heck, he was just a quiet fellow with a clean car who went about his business and waved if he saw me out sprinkling the lawn…” ?
I recently had an “Other” in FUTURES. I didn’t notice him (of course) until he began shoving lamps and furniture out of “his” way so he could look at something up on my front show window stage. I had other customers in the store, so it took me a minute to get over there and deal with him. He banged into a couple of glass hanging lamps that then banged into show window glass, and a huge, heavy floor lamp nearly toppled. WHO it hit or WHAT inventory damage might have happened is not only scary to consider but the reason I was forced to buy expensive business insurance. Certainly he wouldn’t have cared.
Sociopaths never care.
With other customers in the store, he received far better treatment than deserved, but I quickly got him OUT of my window display and the store. It’s hard to describe… but there’s a “look” to obsessive people’s faces when they’ve “locked onto” something they want… and, At FUTURES, on this day, with this guy, it was a SOFA…
A few days later, he was BACK – this time with a “friend”. I think it’s fair to assume no one but a very similar personality could possibly tolerate such a jerk, so my first thought was “OH Great, now I have a PAIR of them…” … and I was right. Before I could even rise from my desk and cross the store, vintage designer furniture was being shoved aside along with the “DO NOT GO UP ON STAGE!” sign. They’d come in out of the rain and were now in the show window sitting on two pieces of designer furniture, with their wet shoes on a vintage carpet also for sale.
This time, no one else was in the store.
“GET OUT OF THE WINDOW! YOU’VE EVEN MOVED THE SIGNS TELLING YOU NOT TO GO UP THERE! YOU HAVE WET SHOES AND THEY’RE ON THE VINTAGE CARPET, YOU’VE BANGED DESIGNER FURNITURE AROUND LIKE YOU OWNED IT… NOW GET DOWN FROM HERE, AND IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS, YOU CHECK WITH ME!!”
I was being very generous.
I’d had my meds that morning.
It’s why they’re still alive.
Of course I was given the self-righteous looks, but the wet, obsessive, sociopathic twosome soon left. I could tell by the behavior of the Main Nut he’d barely heard me (and certainly didn’t care) – for he was totally focused on The Sofa of His Obsession.
A few days later, in the store while I was relating THESE events to a friend who had no experience with the public (and cannot believe what he hears from me), I see Jerkwad Sociopath again – lurking out on the sidewalk – this time with what I’m sure was his mother (mind you, we’re talking about a man in his 50′s, so mom must be in her 70′s or so) staring into the show window at the you-know-what….”
(That story continues, but this was the part I wanted to relate to you for now. Let’s move to the next story. You’ll see where I’m going in a minute):
Yesterday, while I stood at my home’s kitchen window looking out into the backyard, I watched a VERY twitchy squirrel trying to keep his balance on one of the twigs of a new tree my wife had just planted. Squirrels are ALWAYS twitchy, but this guy was FREAKY TWITCHY, like he had a problem of some kind… and the longer I watched him, the more I thought he REALLY DID have a mental problem even though he LOOKED like a Normal Squirrel.
Well, I had other things to do, and I moved on. All I can tell you is he wasn’t up in the Twig tree this next morning, but I heard something odd while I enjoyed breakfast…
“bam!
thwap.
thump.
scritch ch ch shwap.
thump.
bam scritch.
thwaaaaap!”
I turned from my bowl of cereal on the dining table and through our full-length glass French doors leading to the deck, I saw him outside – staring MY direction into the dining room – with an intense, crazy look on his little furry face. He suddenly jumped directly at the glass doors again, hit the glass nose-first with a weighty THUMP!!, and dropped to the deck floor. Over and over, this squirrely critter dived at the glass, leaving tiny wet nose splats on it, and no doubt getting one heck of a headache. Fortunately, he wasn’t heavy enough to break the glass.
Something was driving his obsession… What could he possibly want SO much he’d repeatedly hurt himself? I mean, THIS is a time to be gathering and burying food for the winter, not smashing your face on doors!! Sometimes he clawed at the glass after thwacking it. Casually, I kept eating my cereal, watching and thinking.
Then I understood!!! HE WAS THE TWIG SQUIRREL, THE TWITCHY, WACKY SQUIRREL FROM YESTERDAY! AND!! … he was diving at a large “vase” I have sitting inside on the dining room floor in front of those glass doors! It’s a black and aqua swirly-marbled bowling ball supported on a small iron stand, with a batch of tall Curly Willow twigs rising up from the finger holes.
THWAAAAP!!
and he fell to the deck again. This nutty squirrel had “locked on” to those sticks. He wanted to repeat his delicate twig-tree-ride on THESE TWIGS TOO!!!
I can only HOPE that he doesn’t return with a friend… or his mom…
No Comments
“I don’t know. CAN you help me?”
January 8, 2012 by Ronn Ives, under Close Encounters.
I call a store to learn their exact location:
A woman answers their phone: “Dis is the ‘Blank blank’ store on Military Highway. Kin I hep you?”
“Yes, I’d like to know where exactly on Military Highway you are located.”
“We on Military Highway.”
“I realize that, but Military Highway runs through two states! What is the closest major cross street to your store?”
“If you drive up Little Creek Boulevard an’ turn on Military Highway, we nex t’the Food Lion.”
“…and THAT is near WHAT major intersection…?”
“…Is on da right.”
“How many miles down from Little Creek?”
“……..” etc.
My attempt to gather information goes on awhile longer, mainly because I actually WANTED to experience the stupidity of this person… since she might provide “material” for… oh… perhaps THIS BLOG? Well, she was REALLY stupid… I never did learn the location of the store. Eventually, I called another store and succeeded in getting directions from another biped.
Wow. That woman was REALLY, REALLY stupid.
Go now… GO feel the warmth of NOT being in a constant, relentless, intense State Of Stupid. While you’re at it, feel the Glow of not needing to hire a hoard of people to help you earn a living.
But, be AFRAID. I’ll bet you anything she has a driver’s license.
No Comments
The Barry Manilow Headache
January 6, 2012 by Ronn Ives, under Close Encounters.
(After coming off a 3-day headache…)
JOKE:
Q: “Which came first – The headache or the hanging lamp guy?”
Interim A: “More importantly, which WENT AWAY first!?”
Final A: “Fortunately for the hanging lamp guy, HE did.”
My day off. Rich hot coffee, lovely sunny breezy weather, laundry tumbling in both the washer and the dryer. I am in my office downstairs. Remnants of a headache still linger in my cranium like dust in corners after a fast cleaning. It’s acceptable… a vast improvement over the last daze.
It’s interesting to talk to someone who isn’t cursed with serious, numerous headaches. They’ve never known the feeling. I suppose it’s like trying to describe colors to a person blind since birth… except I could smash a brick into the head of the non-headache person and we’d have a starting point for our comparisons…
Yesterday I was playing new music acquisitions on my new sound system in my store. It was double-exciting to me!
Then, three men entered (before “hanging lamp man”) while I’m playing “Music of Indonesia”, which was recorded for the Smithsonian. The rhythms and tonal qualities were fascinating to me. One of the guys says “What’s THAT?” I handed the CD box over to him, smiled, and said “I just KNEW someone would ask.” He scanned it, passed it to one of the other two, and those two were soon out of the store, leaving their one pal behind. I said to him, “I think the music scared them out of here!” We laughed, but he didn’t disagree.
A little later, Ed, my next door biz-neighbor, wandered in and said, “What happened over here?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Two guys came in my store talking about how terrible something was over here!”
Apparently, if I’m to keep making a living, I need an album of “Barry Manilow’s Top Hits” standing by in the CD changer.
Oh oh. Here comes the headache again…
(At this point I can’t even remember the “hanging lamp guy” He was trumped.)
(This piece was written when I was still using a storefront for FUTURES Antiques – in case you caught the old references.)
No Comments
My First Joke
January 3, 2012 by Ronn Ives, under Close Encounters.
This was my very first pun:
(I was seven years old… so gimme a lil’ slack!):
“Two pigs are out on a stroll… and they’re chatting:
Pig One: “Oink.”
Pig Two: “Oink Grunt.”
Pig One: “Oink Oink Grunt Oink!”
Pig Two: “Grunt Oink Oink Oink!!”
(Here’s where telling the joke out loud is helpful, but work with me)
Suddenly a loud, flapping, gaseous sound is heard!!
Pig One: “Oink Oink?!” (“WHAT was THAT?”)
Pig Two: “Grunt!”
“Weeeee hoooooooo! Thank you boys and girls, thanks for coming to The Playground today and I hope you had a swell time! Watch out for bubble gum on the hallway water fountains and Please kids – peddle those Schwinns home carefully after drinking!! Thank you, Thank you!! Oh, you’re too kind!! Let’s do this again tomorrow! Same time, same playground? Have a Great afternoon!! I love ya, I really do!”
(It was damned funny at age 7, lemme tell ya! They were FALLIN’ off the monkey bars!!)
2 Comments
“Annnnnnnnd…SCENE!”
December 29, 2011 by Ronn Ives, under Close Encounters.
SCENE: (Former bricks-and-mortar store owner sits in his easy chair at home, thinking back to the twenty years before he made his business exclusive to the Web. He lights his pipe, settles in, and remembers a typical day… He has a headache – a BAD one – it’s lasted for two daze. With little sleep, and lots of pain, he came in to work. It is midday of the last day of his work week. While he was in the back room swallowing more pills for his headache, a man enters the store…)
The man asks “How much you want for that?”
“That what?”
“That right there (pointing across the store).”
“We’re going to need to narrow it down… (there are easily 3,000 items in that general direction)… One of the vases?”
“Nah, up THERE!”
“One of the paintings?”
“No man, the LAMP!!”
“Oh, okay, WHICH lamp?”
“That one!”
“I can see 20 or more lamps, so…”
“Man, the HANGING one!!”
“Ah, alright then. WHICH hanging lamp?”
“IN THE WINDOW!!!”
“We’re getting closer now. Which of the eight hanging there in that window are you asking about?”
“THAT ONE!!!”
“The GREEN one?”
“NO! NEXT TO IT!!”
“The gray and white one?”
“The OTHER ONE!!!”
“Oh yeh, the brass capped and white fluted glass one with the white hanging cord.”
“How much is it?”
“It’s a matched pair, and they’re $35. for both.”
“I need a hanging lamp.”
“Yes, and these are 2 of the 30 or more I have hanging in the store right now. Just look around and let me know if I can help you…”
“I don’t know what I want.”
(Store owner walks back to his desk, sits down, and stares in the direction of the clock…)
SCENE: Stage lights fade, curtains slowly draw to a close.
3 Comments
Interesting Facts and Warm Nostalgia
December 16, 2011 by Ronn Ives, under Close Encounters, Larger Forces at Work.
Interesting Facts and Warm Nostalgia
by Ronn Ives, owner of FUTURES Antiques
FACTS:
Most people do not read. They probably CAN but are so unwilling to do so, they risk their lives. This is why, for example, a street’s “STOP” sign is also a recognizable shape and color.
“FUTURES Antiques
Antiques, Collectibles, and Cultural Artifacts”
…yet nearly every day someone would find their way into my store and ask something like “You sell jumper cables for cars?” On a good day (when I was properly fueled on caffeine) I had snappy answers for them… but they never understood anyhow. Hell, one day I sat at my desk and watched someone try to unravel the complexity of my entry door – you know, one of those doors with a grab handle that you pull towards you and the door opens? This person failed – and eventually walked away. I decided he would be a losing proposition anyhow. Odds were great I had not lost an actual customer.
On that same door – right next to that same handle needing finding, grabbing, and pulling – was a sign made of bright aqua paper with bold, black lettering stating:
“NO DRINK, NO FOOD, NO UNSUPERVISED CHILDREN”
…and every day it was ignored, and every day I had to approach the non-readers and ask them personally to respect those legible safeguards.
There are thousands of similar examples, as you might expect.
Taken on a case by case basis, you wouldn’t consider it a big deal, especially those of you who have never worked with the public for a living. But, there is a cumulative effect in the day, week, month, year, and decades that, for some of us, does not entirely evaporate on the drive home every night. (Trust me – there are plenty of people nodding in agreement right now!)
When your first customer of the day is drunk, has feral two-year olds, behaves like a thief or an entitled princess who Hath Arriveth, it starts things out on the wrong foot, and often sets a tone hard to shake. In other words, YOU may be a great person but that creep before you left a psychic (and sometimes physical) stench still clinging to the store owner.
Try to be understanding.
The owner may have been at their store hours early to reestablish displays and aisles after a big move or been there all night with the emergency glass people replacing very expensive show windows smashed out by roving lunatics. This is NOT the time to say “I was here exactly on time, and you’re opening ten minutes late!!”
Understand? Those owners WANT to be open!! They DON’T want the troubles inevitably brought on them. THIS is NOT their hobby or a sport. YOUR leisure activity of shopping is THEIR very serious livelihood. They spend a fortune just trying to keep things nice so when you walk in you can feel comfortable and not notice any problems.
For the twenty years my “brick-and-mortar” store was open, I had numerous, simultaneous signals that said “I AM NOW OPEN”. There was my sidewalk A-frame sign, my sidewalk furniture, my hours on the door, my “OPEN”/ “CLOSED” sign on the door, and if you missed all that, my neon sign in screaming red and blue that also said “OPEN” !!! But, since I had to go in early 90% of the time to prepare the store for the public, I soon learned to immediately lock the door behind me AND leave the lights off while I worked. Since people don’t read, they’ll yank at the door anyhow, and man, if the lights are ON, fergitabowdit – they yank and rattle and knock and yell at the door demanding it open. Lights are on? “Damnit, you must be OPEN and I AM HERE !” If the owner is VISIBLE?? Double-damnit, “Let me in, I want to look around !! I’m going keep pounding at this door until you come give me attention ! I want ATTENTION !!”
Let me put it this way: I’ve been called a racist, an asshole, and plenty of other things because I cared and went to work early.
A few things to probably avoid:
If you’re wheelchair bound, call the specialty store 24 hours in advance, explain the situation, and they will, as I did (when at all possible) adjust their displays for you ! Don’t show up unannounced and demand the entire store be rearranged for you on spot or you’ll file a lawsuit. (Yes, this really happened, and I treated this woman as an Equal by telling her what I thought and what she could do with herself. Sorry, I cannot repeat it here.) Some people HATE being treated as Equals, no matter what they spout.
If you have kids, you may understand what they can, cannot, will, or won’t do when in public. HOW any parent can think that all commercial spaces (which are not “public” spaces, by the way) are multi-functional and offer themselves as a “playland” or “discover zone” while the adults shop is amazing to me, but it happens every day. (And I can assure you most of these parents would NOT and possibly COULD NOT pay for the damage created by their darlings.) I’ve actually heard: “Hey ! It’s the price of doing BUSINESS !! THAT’S what you got insurance for !!” (Again, I cannot repeat some of my responses here.. but I can repeat this one: “Get OUT, NOW, and IF by some weird chance YOU actually have a ‘friend’ (?), tell her not to come here either.”)
Again, there are thousands of similar examples.
For any of you who think there might be an off-chance that once in a great while you behave anything even a little like this… consider this challenge: try getting through one day as though you were each of the people you directly encounter. Put yourself in THEIR places. I promise it will come easier and easier with practice. And, as you become proficient, YOUR day will become nicer and nicer because more and more people will be GLAD you’re there.
For every creep I faced, I had another eight people who were simply out browsing, enjoying themselves, and did not cause upset in the world. For every creep I faced, I also had one beam of Light – someone who always arrived with warmth, humor, intelligence, and understanding. I ADORED those people.
Nine out of ten ain’t bad. Some of my best friends began as unknown customers. I’ve been a lucky man.
-
Another interesting FACT from Ronn Ives, former educator and ongoing owner of FUTURES Antiques: “There are three types of learning. Each person relies heavily on one type. You are either an Audio learner, a Visual learner, or a Tactile learner. The Tactile learners don’t even notice they’re handling everything. EVERY thing. They therefore take the greatest financial risks but are probably the most fun as spouses.”
-
“Music plays an amazing role in creating an atmosphere in a business. In my storefront business, I played a huge variety of music… from African tribal to antique Caruso opera to Brian Eno’s ambient to Girl Groups of the early 1960′s to Big Band of the 30′s and 40′s. Most people enjoyed the exposure. Some people hated it. If the music was unfamiliar, those people would become uncomfortable they’d exit early. I learned that some music was SO “the kiss of death” in FUTURES, I had to be VERY selective as to how much, when, and at what volume. For example, I love antique Turkish cabaret music, yet for many visitors they understood it as “terrorist” music, and became agitated. Seriously. And, without exception, Australian Aborigine folk music scared everyone.”
-
“When shopping, most people don’t look up or down. If an item is within their normal, non-neckbending vision range, only then will they see it.”
-
“People who read price tags before they spend time looking at the antiques are least likely to actually make a purchase.”
-
“Most people turn right and follow the wall when entering a store.”
-
“Typical antiquers browse a shop by taking their time and studying the antiques (which are generally on shelves at eye level or lower, plus furniture sitting on the floor). However, typical thieves (whether they arrive in rags or riches) – NEVER known for their intelligence – enter the store with a fake facial expression of interest in antiques, while they generally look high up the walls and at the ceiling. Why? Because they’re checking for security systems, mirrors, cameras, alarms, detectors, etc.. So, just for fun, I would stick to them like glue, asking tons of ‘friendly, curious’ questions about THEIR antique collections (!) until they gave up and exited, or, until they spotted my used body outline firing range target with forty five Smith & Wesson .357 magnum holes in its heart. Hey, when you sit in a store all day, you get your entertainment where you can find it…”
(More to come…)
——————————————————————————–
NOSTALGIA:
Nostalgia from Ronn Ives, owner of FUTURES Antiques: “Yes, I remember back in the early daze when people had but two phrases for ALL things in my store: 1) “Man, THIS is OLD – Gramma had one!” and 2) “How can this be here if I’M still here??!.”
-
And: “Yes, I remember back in the early daze when FUTURES offered the completely unacceptable: Design and Art from the 1950′s. Then I also offered the 1960′s. Then the 1970′s. Now also the 1980′s. Every move forward has been met with suspicion (“WAIT. Am I getting older?!”), and pleasure (“Hey, I had one of those!”), and new eyes (“Now that I see one again, that really IS cool!”), and regret (Damn! We destroyed ours!”).
-
And: “Yes, I remember back in the early daze when FUTURES was THEN, NOW… sort of like this moment, but not exactly.”
-
And: “Yes, I remember back in the early daze when FUTURES was a cabin in the middle of the piney woods and when I’d step outside to smoke my corncob pipe, arrows would come whooshing past me and stick into the door.”
-
And: “Yes, I remember back in the early daze when I was told FUTURES wouldn’t last six months… One of those people STILL walks with a limp.”
-
And: “Yes, I remember back in the early daze when FUTURES was based in three locations at the same time… up near Washington D.C., in Phoebus Virginia, and Norfolk Virginia… then I began taking my medications.”
-
And finally: “Yes, I remember back in the early daze when FUTURES was based in three locations at the same time… in Gloucester Virginia, in Phoebus Virginia, and Norfolk Virginia… and I began taking my medications… but it would take awhile for them to work.”
-
(More to come…)
2 Comments
READ ALOUD IN A BOISTEROUS VOICE
December 10, 2011 by Ronn Ives, under Close Encounters.
Sitting quietly at an auction early this morning, with my thermal mug of hot, home brewed coffee next to me, I was merely trying to wake up so I could do my job. I figured it would be at least a two hour wait for all my chosen items to come up for bid. With it raining outside, I was stuck indoors on this groggy, gray Saturday.
People mill around at an auction, inspecting items, taking notes on little, palm sized pieces of paper, and whispering secret “tactical plans” to their significant others. “There are no friends at an auction” is almost always true. And, trust me here, there IS always one person with a loud mouth. I mean both in volume AND attitude… and s/he ALWAYS sits near me. Today’s example was Klassick…
(For full effect, READ ALOUD IN A BOISTEROUS VOICE, and remember, you don’t need anyone actually paying attention to you:)
“LOOK! FRANK’S HERE!! GET OUT THE EAR PLUGS. DO WE HAVE EARPLUGS HERE? WE’LL NEED EARPLUGS NOW! YOU KNOW WHY? ‘CAUSE FRANK’S HERE!!! EARPLUGS PLEASE!!!”
…The irony seems to evade these people.
RULE #1: NEVER make eye contact with them.
RULE #2: NEVER smile or even smirk for a split second.
RULE #3: NEVER move closer to them even if you can get the best chair in the house and your back is killing you.
