Archive for 'What Really Matters'

Let the Fragile Illusion Continue

February 5, 2012 by , under Larger Forces at Work, What Really Matters.

 

 

George Harrison died in 2001.  Twenty years earlier, John Lennon was murdered.  Each of their deaths had a very different effect on me.

We’ve come to almost expect people in the music business (and the other arts) to be self-destructive – dying “too young”. This is NOT the exclusive history of Baby Boomers and their Rock & Roll heroes. Just two words to make my point: Billie Holiday. But when a NOBODY simply walks up in the dark out of nowhere with no warning and guns down a famous person (especially one you admire), and offers no explanation (not even a crazy one), it’s a shock. THAT musician was supposed to go on – creating more of their Art.

Harrison died of throat cancer. I don’t know its cause, but many of his career photos show a cigarette nearby. It’s a choice.  My Great Uncle Willis collapsed dead in the hallway of the hospital sneaking a smoke while being treated for lung cancer. As did his sister, my grandma.  As did her son, my father.  None the less, Harrison was 58 – only 7 years older than me – and his Time was up. All Things Must Pass.  Paul lost his wife Linda to breast cancer, but he, along with Ringo – as “Beatles”, true markers in the lives of so many – still live.

Let the fragile illusion continue as it can. We want our heroes with us.  I heard Elvis was spotted at a truck stop near Omaha, Nebraska just last week. The King lives!!

 

 

“My sweet Lord, I really want to be with you.”

 

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“NORM!!”

January 31, 2012 by , under What Really Matters.

 

 

One of my favorite TV shows of the 1980′s was “Cheers”. I prefer shows (including comedies) that are based on personalities (“Cheers”, “M.A.S.H.”, “All in the Family”, “Andy Griffith”, “Everybody Loves Raymond”, “The Honeymooners”, “The Wonder Years”, etc.), NOT situations (“Sit-Coms” like “Three’s Company”, “Gilligan’s Island”, “Green Acres”… ad nauseum).

Back to “Cheers”. Tuesdays I go to the video store to pick films for the week. I like to arrive when Greg or Michelle first opens their doors. When I walk in (sometimes they see me out in my car and wave me in early) it’s sort of like walking into “Cheers”….. We like each other. We’re all here at the same time. Let’s enjoy it.  Now.

So, while I browse and read reviews in my film books, we chat.  We talk about business, films (naturally), and current events. On September 11th, I first learned of the attack BEFORE the second WTC building or the Pentagon was hit, or the third plane was downed by those brave passengers. Michelle hadn’t heard a word. When I got home, more had happened, of course. I called Michelle to fill her in.

People fully involved in our life – woven into the daily fabric of shared experiences for decades – are the exceptions. Most of our days are “NORM!” moments.  The majority of our time is spent in “circumstantial relationships”. If it wasn’t for the JOB, APPOINTMENT, CLASSROOM, BUS, WAITING ROOM, HANG OUT, or CHANCE ENCOUNTER, we’d have very few exchanges at all. It would be one seriously solo day for most of us.

I’m here to enjoy myself while I work. If “Norm” didn’t always return to “Cheers” as his watering hole, no one would yell “NORM!!!” as he walked in. No one would learn to tolerate – even savor – “Coach’s” odd, mystical, confused comments. No one would take “Cliff” aside and advise him his obsession with finding famous “faces” in common vegetables was getting pretty weird.

Let’s enjoy our time while we work or play. We’re all here at the same time anyhow.



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“Let’s go fishin’!”

January 16, 2012 by , under What Really Matters.

 

 

 

My Grandparents, Russ and Zora, were married on this day in 1924.  They remained married for 72 years.  Seventy two years…

I was sitting around with them one day down in Florida and asked how they’d managed to pull that off.

They paused, looked at each other, silently…

( … I’m sitting there waiting for the Key Truth to Marriage… advice from my Elders… the Wise… )

Grandpa turned back to me and said:

“We have no idea.”

I laughed, everyone shrugged their shoulders and laughed, and on went the day…

Facts: they loved each other, could not (or would not) imagine life without the other, and they worked and played hard.  They CHOSE to be (and stay) partners.

End of discussion.

Now let’s get on with Life… or, as they would’ve put it:   “Let’s go fishin’!”

 

 

 

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Here. Eat this. Drive that.

December 22, 2011 by , under What Really Matters.

 

 

I’m at home.  It’s Day Two of people installing a new dishwasher ordered by my wife.  I’m just the facilitator, otherwise I stay out of it.  She’s the kitchen designer and the chef.  I don’t know and see no reason to know anything about any of this.  When it comes to nice food, she takes care of me.  I admit it.  My only job is to choose reasonable portions and eat them, thank you very much.  The running joke is when she’s out of town, I go see my girlfriend “Conda”, the manager at the closest Taco Bell.

My wife’s choices in home machines are probably well-suited for her uses.  Like I said, I really don’t know.  She chose our hi-tek clothes washing machine.  It’s full of computers and comes with a book.  Really?  You need books to use these things?  How about something somewhere BETWEEN pounding clothes on a rock at the stream AND a gizmo that could probably land on the Moon?  She eventually showed me two settings I could use for my laundry, and I leave it at that.

God I sound old.

I advise her on automobiles, which are equally important in our lives.  It’s a complex and potentially expensive – not to mention dangerous – subject that requires being informed every day.  It’s a hobby-study of mine.  She does food.  I do transportation.  Together, we keep each other closer to being safe and healthy.

That’s a big part of being married, I’d say.

 

 

 

 

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Microscopic Reunion

December 17, 2011 by , under What Really Matters.

 

December 17, 2011:

Holiday Stories. Why not?

I don’t remember when I began believing in Santa, nor do I remember when I faltered or stopped. I remember the times between. Times of sweet anticipation – that time of exploding, gift-wrapped childhood.

Each year around this time, my wife and I watch a number of “Holiday” movies, and a few nights ago we again watched “A Christmas Story”. I get an especially large entertainment buzz off of that one because it is SO like my childhood…  you have NO idea… right down to the kid freezing his tongue to the metal pole in the school yard. I saw it happen myself. I swear.

One of my best gifts – of all time – was the peddle car I was given at about the age of three. I literally froze in delighted awe when seeing it parked by the glowing green tree in the living room as I came downstairs that glorious early Christmas morning.  It began my love of “real” cars.

I’ve spent the last few years casually searching the minds of my family, trying to locate that car no matter what its condition. I’m ready to give it a complete, loving restoration. Unfortunately, I believe I’ve “hit the wall”.  End of the Road.  My cousin and I decided that once it left me (then my brother) it DID come to her family, and after her younger brother drove it (into the ground?), the car vanished. Translation: Trash. It’s probable the car was unceremoniously taken to the curb, then taken from the curb by a city garbage truck to a dump there in Northern Indiana, where it slowly dissolved back into steel dust.

Decades later, a woman moving West unloaded HER junk at that same dump. Stuck to the soles of her shoes was local dump dirt. In that dirt were molecules of my Peddle Car. Years later, I moved to Southern Arizona. As I walked through a flea market, the wind blew up a dust. The dust had once been on the soles of that woman’s shoes – but it now traveled without her. I inhaled a few specks of that dust. The dust entered my body and slowly traveled about… until meeting up with other Peddle Car molecules from the days of my driving it up and down the sidewalk and the driveways of our Northern Indiana neighborhood.

The reunion happened on a microscopic level, yet I suddenly felt a sense of satisfaction I could explain in no other way…

 

 

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I’m grateful for the mundane

October 15, 2011 by , under What Really Matters.

 

When people get together who own small businesses (or just work in retail) they always swap horror stories about nasty, rude, self-centered customers (and their children) from Hell. It’s therapeutic to let off a little steam. But, if you stick around, the comparisons begin to lighten.

 

You hear the stories about people who walked in and blew the old stereotypes right out of the water… you know, the old bum who pulled out thousand dollar bills and paid for everything in cash… THAT sort of thing. Then… the stories begin to soften.

Yesterday, I had a visitor who could’ve passed as the definition of Middle Class Whitebread Suburban Womanhood. Paint your own picture. Considering that my shop focuses on the avant garde, edgy, acquired-taste, odd, urbane stuff of the 20th century, initially I gave her little credit. Well, you know where I’m going with this… turns out she was a very knowledgeable representative for one of the most important Modernist design manufacturers of the 20th century, and could talk the talk and walk the walk, baby.

Our chat lasted an hour, was extremely enjoyable, and, as happens to me more than I’d like to admit (but am happy to report), she was a wonderful Stereotype Buster. I got my kick in the butt just when I needed it… again.

We ALL need it. The human brain “clusters” ideas into concepts we can manage. In itself, that is not a bad thing – in fact, it’s good and necessary for initial learning AND surviving. But when it’s merely a method of recreational pre-judgment, you can screw up. The recipient of YOUR problem is dealt with unfairly, and YOU may be missing THE person you REALLY NEED to meet. Why,”SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS” were people that at first glance did NOT appear to meet my definition of smart, witty, funny, interesting, warm, fair, honest, sexy, decent, or… whatever it was I was looking for but failed to see at the time. And conversely, others were given credit when it wasn’t due or didn’t exist at all.

Try this: Think back to your best friends. How did you meet? Was it an amazing and spectacular moment, or did they arrive into your life as part of a common, mundane, random situation that held no noticeable significance? What did you decide about them in that first minute, and did they “fit” your expectations?  I doubt it.

I wouldn’t have nearly the number of wide experiences I do without my store. I’m grateful for this bonus.

 

…….Well, most of the time.

 

 

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Home

September 17, 2011 by , under What Really Matters.

 

 

“Home” is easy to define, and, most of us are usually homeless.

“Home” was in a coffee shop with a best friend debating, sipping, and smoking all night while joking with a favorite waitress.

“Home” was in a particularly good summer Climbing Tree with a spot high in the branches where a comfortable, hidden sit was possible.  Birds paid you no mind when you were alone up in our tree.

“Home” was when you had spare time and used it for absolutely nothing but walking fields with your dog, and, when it felt right, both of you laid down in tall grass under the Fall sun for a short, shallow nap.  Your head, laying on his chest, moved up and down with his slow drowsy breath while he felt your familiar extra weight on him.

“Home” was with your loved one doing anything you both enjoyed, and you might – or might not – speak.  Words weren’t used for filler, distraction, countermoves, or reassurance.  You did not need them.

“Home” isn’t architecture or philosophy, it is a condition of faith.  It grows from years of changing love, fine tuning, flexibility, patience, and seeing your bigger pictures.  It can’t be willed, and it can’t remain a lucky accident.  Homes take years to build, and they can be stolen in seconds.

Defend your Homes.

 

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Scanning Your Life

September 15, 2011 by , under What Really Matters.

 

 

I’ve been scanning my family’s 1940’s-90’s color slides.  The job is far from done.  To date, I’ve probably gone through 3,000 and scanned 1,000.  I’m also making an effort to send specifically related images to family and friends.

How wonderful to suddenly have NEW old photos of your loved ones, your buddies, your homes, your adventures, your life, and yourself.  People will pause over these images of special times with special loves… many now “gone” except in hearts, memories, and consciousness.

It’s a feeling like no other.  A forgotten or new old image comes before you… a huge bubble of quietness envelops you… you pause in a place without the foundations of “now”… you float in emotions released from long-closed cells patiently holding scenes of joy and pain, odors of a lover’s hair or a favorite old car, cells still echoing a best friend’s laugh or the slow breath of a little one’s sleep…  You are there and here and nowhere all at the same time.  Your heart aches with the fullness of great loss, eternal gratitude, and a longing for what was, what could have been, and, once you come back to “now”, what is.

Your life could not be what it is without the others.

Perhaps it’s time to speak aloud a few precious things left too long unsaid.

 

 

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9-11

September 11, 2011 by , under What Really Matters.

 

September 11, 2011. Sunday. Today, here on the East Coast of America, it is as sunny and the sky is as blue as it was ten years ago.

 

Today, I’m thinking of taking the opportunity to drive my sky blue convertible as I did yesterday… an option many people no longer have.

Today, people will be working at their jobs or in their yards or going to the beach or antiquing in the city or going to their synagogues or local theaters or their favorite coffee shops or public parks. Some will be sliding needles into their arms or pointing guns at Quickie Mart attendants and taxi cab drivers.

Today, we – the survivors – again have the luxurious choice to continue as we are… or change.

Today, with a little luck, we – the living – face only our own self-destructive tendencies and not those of outsiders.

Bless this freedom.

 

 

 

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Trying to Shove the Planets into Position

August 19, 2011 by , under What Really Matters.

 

Twice now, an older woman has visited FUTURES who I already expect will cause me to perk up upon her every arrival.  She could become a friend.   Elegant, warm, intelligent, alert.   I’m lucky.  I have a number of people in my life about whom I feel this way… and age – “young” or “old” – is never a deciding factor.

I remember being 13 and thinking a 15 year old was much wiser and I was almost unworthy of tagging along with him/her, and someone 11 was a mere child and of no personal interest at all.  Perhaps I exaggerate, but what a terrible limitation that was.  How many people did I miss with such FILTERS in place?

I meet children who seem to have been raised without these filters.  I was not one of them.  These kids are not afraid of nor disrespectful to elders.  They’re prepared to interact in a positive way, come what may.  I don’t know what creates a child like this, but they are the minority.  My younger step daughter, Holly, was that way from the time she was a tiny kid.  Just a few days ago, my wife and I met a 9 year old girl at a party with that same openness.  A few – FEW – of my customers have children like this – open, ready to have a relationship right then and right there.  And, it’s wonderful.

I don’t know all the reasons why, but as I came out of childhood and moved into adolescence, I withdrew from that openness, narrowed my world, and became much more cautious.  (That is NOT to say I then made better choices in people.  The reverse seemed to happen.)  But, I can now see I was on the road to improving my decision making during high school, and by college I was determined to surround myself with [and tried to be one of the] good hearted, intelligent, challenging, and reliable people.  Older folks still intimidated me – but it was then more out of my respect and awe.  I was meeting powerful people who not only held part of my adult future in their hands, but enticed me to become the best person, artist, and educator I could be.  Heady times those, and I’ve done by best to never let go of those priorities.

Instilling a certain self confidence in children must be part of it – giving them good skills in communication, the joy of creative thought, a sense of curiosity, and the pleasure of discovery.  How that is done without creating a feral prima donna monster, I am not sure.  I see way too many of those in my day.  I admit to never feeling capable of managing such a complex, taxing, important job – Parenting – and was not about to try only to fail.  Too much was at stake.  I did not have the Right to experiment with someone else’s eventual life.

I’ll sometimes ask parents with an especially enjoyable child “WHAT are you DOING to cultivate this little human?”.  I’ll usually get standard, unsatisfying answers like “They’re not ALWAYS this way, you know!” (with a laugh), “We have no clue”, or “They ARE??”.

Anyone who pays any attention to growing children knows the old Psych 101 “Blank Slate” Theory is ridiculous.  When teaching, I watched kids who were going to MAKE IT no matter what ANYONE DID to try and hobble them.  I also saw kids who were doomed no matter what ANYONE DID to try and help them.  But, most of us are average people who stumble, fall, laugh or cry, get back up, and move on as best we can.  We have moments of brilliance (which FEW people seem to notice) and moments of absolute stupidity (which MOST people seem to notice).  We succeed when we try AND have help AND all the planets are lined up.  We are in a holding pattern or fail the other times.  I’ve come to doubt AGE has much to do with our success.  It seems to be more about making a conscious effort to sort through our teachings – shed the harmful, encourage the helpful, be aware of but keep a safe distance from the negative, and actively notice and encourage the positive… with the help of others, of course.

 

I challenge you to identify ANY success you had or have in your life and not also identify a chain of people who helped make it happen.

For those of you who acknowledge Your People, feel free to name and thank them here.  Say it out loud – perhaps for the very first time.

 

 

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